I haven't written in a while... But today words are starting to rush. But I was already 4 paragraphs on when firefox crashed and I lost all of it so I had to do this over again. But once you stop writing when the words flow and then something happens, the words fade away.
So I'll try once more.. See what I can do.
So anyway, All Soul's Day and All Saint's Day came and I haven't been able to visit my son and grandma. I am still in Manila and they're in the province. Anyway, I'll get to visit them when I get home and I have all the time and space to myself. I like it quiet when i visit my loved ones. My grandpa's 3 brothers are also in the same cemetery. Quiet time with them,to think and talk to them.. Maybe I'll get a response. LOL! Who knows? I think nothing is impossible.
Anyway, it's been almost 20 years since my grandma died but I still miss her so much. She was very gentle and nice. Not just to her family but to everyone around her. Always helpful, she had caring hands. Sometimes it makes me wonder what life would have been for us if she didn't pass away so early. Things would have been better. I'm not complaining, just wondering what could have been.
I'll always remember her homemade ice cream. She cooked very well and made a lot of homemade goodies for us.She used to bribe that to me and my sister just to make us have our afternoon nap. Though most of the time we just end up fighting in the room and then chasing and hitting each other. It even came to a point where i pushed her down the stairs. She went halfway down the 12 steps and I spent an hour grounded in my room while everyone had snacks downstairs. That was the first and last time I got grounded. And an hour seemed like eternity. I promised to be good when they let me out. But I think it didn't even last 5 hours.
So anyway, back to my grandma... We still miss her and even if she passed away when I was very young. I have a very good memory of her. Seems like just yesterday when she used to take me to her class. I learned a lot from her. At a young age we already understood what love meant. That it wasn't just words that you say whenever you want to. Love is an action and feeling at the same time. It's time and space. It's nothing and everything.
Every occasion was alive because of her. Birthdays, Christmas, New Year.....You name it. No occasion was dull. I remember colorful Christmases and loud and bright New Years. And the last birthday cake I had when she was still alive. That was my happiest birthday. Nothing can top that.
She was the only person I can afford to have tantrums with... I could never do that to my grandpa or mom. But with her? I can do whatever I want and I know she'll still love me anyway. That was the security I felt with her. And that's something I really miss.
The knowledge that no matter what...No matter what happens,no matter what you do, no matter how many mistakes you do and even if all hell breaks loose, someone will be there, always be there to love you.
But we can't turn back time. And I can only hope there still exist such love.
And then after my grandma, a few years later came my son. I miss him and an awful lot. Not less and less each day. But I have accepted the fact that he's gone. And going on with life would be best. It's still very painful for me to talk about it.
I think if these two people did not became part of my life, it would have been less meaningful. And I wouldn't appreciate life as much as I do now. I would see everything less than what I see now. I am lucky to have had 2 angels come into my life to help mold the person that I am today. I guess I needed them to be there and not just be silent entities around.
For me, All Soul's Day should not be a day of grieving. Instead we should see it as a celebration of these people's lives and ours as well as they have affected us no matter how short we've been with them. For our lives would be so different if we never crossed paths with them. That it would mean less if they weren't there to make us think, or love, or hate, or cry. We should see it as a celebration of the days we still have alive...
Nanay, Intoy..... Wherever you are, I will always love you both and I will be forever grateful for having you in my life. 'Till I see you again..................... But like they say "Not too soon.."
No comments:
Post a Comment